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The Ollertons'
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Switchboard message at the Mental Health Institute



Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.........

1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press for you.

3. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

4. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on line so we can trace your call.

5. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

6. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

7. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.

8. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

9. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mothers maiden name.

10. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

11. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

12. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.






Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe



INGREDIENTS:

1 cup water / 8oz Mixed Nuts / 1 Cup Brown Sugar
1 Cup Sugar / 1 Teaspoon Salt / 2 Cups Dried Fruit
4 Large Eggs / Juice of 1 Lemon / 1 Teaspoon Baking Powder

1 Bottle Whiskey

METHOD:

Sample the whiskey to check quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the quality of the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of the sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is OK. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer.

Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to chech for tonsiscency. Next sift two cups of salt...or something, who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. A spoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to turn off the turnerer. Throw the bowl out of the door and put the cat in the sink. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.







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